Ode to the single successful mother
I was having pizza with one of my friends when the subject of single motherhood was broached. I’ll refer to him as Mr. Conservative. There have been many occasions where during conversations with Mr. Conservative, I found myself thinking “MY GOD! This is terribly un-PC”. On this particular occasion, we had somehow got on to the subject of the future. Perhaps it was the end of exams for him, perhaps it was the change in circumstances for me. As usual, I mentioned my semi-serious dream of three children and how they would all go to prestigious private schools. You know the usual sort of precise things that old friends discuss when they’re still young.
Mr. Conservative inquires: “Shouldn’t you have a man first?”
I was taken aback, almost appalled. I am extremely conservative with regards to family values but this just offended my feminist streak.
I am a firm believer in the nuclear family with two married parents, two point five children; that happy homely scene complete with a pet dog that you see so often in adverts for breakfast cereal. In fact, I’m planning on going one step further by having three kids. But, I am also extremely realistic and maybe a little cynical about these sort of things. The right person is hard to come by; and even more difficult is the timing. Speaking from a selfish point of view, why should a girl give up the dream of having a family because she is waiting for a man who may not even exist?
It’s hardly far fetched to say that people who strive towards this nuclear family idealism have a plan to achieve perfection. A Gantt chart, which begins with finding the one. But, why should anyone wait for ‘the one’ and put the rest of their life on hold? This, of course applies to both men and women but the difference is that a woman has her biological clock to consider. There will ultimately come a time when one wonders whether they should settle for Mr Right Now if Mr Right still hasn’t showed up. The question which constantly plays on my mind is, why we should consider settling for someone who may not necessarily be right just because it was the right time of life.
For me and probably for most people the nuclear family and lifelong marriage is the sort of idea that’s nostalgic and unrealistic; a ghost of society’s past. If by some miracle people are actually holding on to this fanciful notion, well then they had better hold on tight as it would soon be knocked out of them by the mantra that is ‘better divorced than maintain a loveless marriage’. This mantra speaks volumes about the choices and free will we live with today. We are all too happy to accept that one in three marriages end in divorce and that our marriage may be one of those three. What we may be forgetting is that this is all the more likely when we settle for the wrong person.
Research into the effects of divorce on children is overwhelmingly negative. Such effects include psychological and physical aspects and often follow the child through life. Yet knowing all this, people are still willing to brave the odds and settle for someone who isn’t right just because they were at the right place at the right time.
This is not to say that I reject the institution of marriage out of hand of course. If the right person does come along, then there should be few reasons to reject the idea, but I can’t imagine ever settling for the wrong person. What makes the nuclear family the ideal such that people blindly follow a schedule? Why is being a single parent so much worse than being in an unhappy marriage or divorced parents? There seems to be no logic behind this.
There is data to suggest that single parent families negatively impact children’s welfare and development. At the same time, these statistics also show that when single parenthood is through choice, the negative impact is negligible. In fact the negative impact of divorce on children, especially psychologically, is far greater than single parenthood. It’s easy to see why. People who choose to be single parents are usually affluent and well educated. Their decision, no doubt, has been based on a lifestyle choice and commitment to the personal responsibilities and sacrifices involved in being a lone parent. It’s not a result of settling or of a rushed need to follow a schedule.
Is it, as some people say, selfish? I suppose that really depends on the circumstances of the individual. A single parent doesn’t necessarily mean worse parenting. In terms of education, guidance and support, nothing suggests that two people could do it better than one. Especially if two parents have differing views about how their offspring should be raised. In reality, how many of us really experience constant parenting from both parents? Isn’t it more often the case that one parent is more hands on than another? If it’s a matter of ‘where I came from’ then surely simple genetic profiling is enough? After all, personality is socialised rather than inherited. And if the single parent family is created through adoption, then it must surely be impossible to argue that one competent and capable parent is worse than none?
There seems no logical reasons for rejecting single parenthood which leads me to think that a life plan without a man in sight isn’t too far fetched or even unsatisfactory. If a person could be happy with all the other aspects of their lives, why should they be hung up about not achieving the perfect set of conservative values of someone else? The principle of the matter cannot surely be the only valid argument towards blind idealism. Incidentally at the end of my recent conversation with Mr. Conservative, he conceded that perhaps being a single mother was not so bad.
